When you think of eating disorder, do you think thin?

People who go without food or eat then throw up are put into this horrific category of having an eating disorder. Wouldn’t you think the opposite would be true also?

“But we don’t have a disorder… we just have an addiction.”

WRONG!

If you binge (compulsive overeating) how is that any better than anorexia? You’re still killing your organs with potential permanent damage.

If you binge purge (eat until you throw up) how is that any better than bulemia? Throat destruction, organ damage, even higher on the mental damage.

I pulled that from here.

Just like bulemia and anorexia, this is a mental disorder. That doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It means your brain triggers are set to food. Their’s is set to skinny. An alcoholics is set to alcohol. Drug addicts go for the high. We all have one thing in common- ease the pain.

It doesn’t matter what the pain is, we think we can fix it by actually harming our body.

That thought is what helps me with my eating disorder. I finally realized the extra pain was making things worse.

Before I go on, I would like to note that now that we realize this, our first order of business is mentally apologize to any people with disorders that we’ve looked down on.

And on the same note, if you share this with someone and they treat it like it’s nothing, remind them this can kill you if you don’t start to fix it. High cholesterol, depression, organ failure, heart failure, diabetes, and sleep apnea aren’t things to just blow off.

Let me take you back to over a year ago.

I have Wednesday night and Thurs night off of work. To let my husband sleep in I take the kids to school Weds, Thurs, Friday.

Wednesday morning I figure I’m up, I have the whole day, I should enjoy some breakfast. I get a breakfast burrito from OC Burger (its a two person burrito), head home with it. When I finish it, I go to bed for a few hours. Wake up, have cereal. Find a few snacks. Get the kids from school. Sit down and play WoW. Eat while playing. Take the kids out for our “date night”. Go to Ted-E’s and get their burger combo (double patty huge burger, fries, large soda) and a family size fire bites (deep fried jalapenos, chips, and queso). Play WoW till my husband says its time to go to bed.

Thurs. get the kids to school, come home and eat and play WoW, wait for Josh to leave for work, head to McDonalds or some place with a dollar menu, spend 10-20$ on the dollar menu, eat the food until I throw up, wait a while, eat the rest of the food before I pick the kids up from school. Go to my room and cry. Take a nap. Take the kids out for dinner.

Friday, same thing as Thurs except we go to the grocery store for groceries we never use because we always eat fast food, have a donut while shopping, grab a candy bar on the way out.

In that whole thing do you ever see me write “feel better about myself”? No! Why? Because what I was doing made me feel like crap. I felt like a freak. It was embarrassing to have no control over my food because for some reason my brain always rationalized it for me. I could literally feel the problems with my body. Everything took more effort than it should have, I was having daily headaches and migraines, I was always angry, I had frequent chest pains. Life just sucked.

I sound pretty gross too right? Like I should be all greasy and rolly and horrible, using a scooter at the grocery store because I’m lazy…?

Ask my family what I looked like. I looked like everyone else… I didn’t even look like I weighed the 305 lbs that I did. I didn’t look sad. I didn’t look like someone who had no control over her health. It was hard to, but I kept up with the work around me.

I decided to go to OA (overeaters anonymous). I ended up going to the worst run OA ever. You know what I found? A group of women sitting around a table rationalizing their own eating habits and acting like a victim. It wasn’t their fault they were overeaters. It wasn’t their fault they pulled food from the trash (most compulsive eaters have been known to do it), it wasn’t their fault they had to hide it. They were victims.

You know what “victims” don’t do? They don’t fix things. They let everyone else try to fix it for them.

You know what a victim is in the middle of trying to fix it? A “warrior”

You know what a victim is called when they fix things? A “survivor”.

I’m really not trying to make anyone feel like crap here. I’m putting this out here because I want to help you fix it. I can’t do it for you but I can at least walk with you.

I’m a warrior. I haven’t fully fixed it but believe me I’m showing the gym I’m the Chuck Norris of fixing my own body. I’m letting McDonalds know I can get full off of bananas and they can put their dollar menu up their — and light it on fire. Do I have a set back every now and then? Yup. A lot recently to be honest (injuries have really gotten to my head and a lot is going on in our lives right now  I’ve gone back to excuses temporarily). Remember, this is mental. I’m basically fighting myself. But I can do this. And so can you. You can teach yourself how to rethink.

You can start by reminding yourself that hurting yourself is not going to make anything better. It’s not going to fix your financial or health crisis. It’s not going to make someone love you or notice you. It’s not going to make your job better. Life happens. Why not let health happen to? I promise you that you will be so much happier with a clean diet than a binge diet. I promise you will enjoy the high of getting your heart rate up past 140 and staying there for at least 40 minutes. You will enjoy people walking up to you and saying you look amazing.

You will enjoy owning your own body again.

Admit that you’re a binger. It’s ok. You’re not a freak. And now you know you at least have one person on your team. I bet if you admit the problem to your family and friends, they will do their best to help you also.